It’s no secret that I have OCD nor am I ashamed of it or embarrassed. I actually have, over time, loved having OCD. Why? You may ask; It gives me some peace of mind when I am able to get things done such as the ironing, having a clean washed sofa or a freshly cleaned floor. It gives me real satisfaction emotionally. When people use the phrase “I’m bored of waiting it’s like watching paint dry”, I literally could sit and stare at a freshly painted wall and have so much peace and happiness. It’s not something easily explained but it feels great looking at something that’s so fresh and clean.
One thing I do wonder however, is what it is like being in a relationship with someone who has OCD. I have never discussed this with my partner before. I sit here on the sofa whilst he is gaming and I am watching The Notebook on Netflix and away to ask him what it is like for him. Hopefully it’s not all bad answers!
“How do you find it with me having OCD?”
“Honestly, it doesn’t really bother me. Sometimes it can be frustrating when I help to do things when I’m over e.g hanging out the washing- you like it a certain way and I always forget and you take it all down and hang it all up again.”
“Or when I do the dishes in the sink and you hate dishes being done in the sink and like them done in a basin so I have to take them all out and put them in a basin otherwise you get really unwell.”
“But really it isn’t so bad. The house always looks so clean and tidy except when you are more ill some days and infections, the Crohn’s Flare or fatigue makes it hard for you to even walk, but even then it’s never bad.”
I think I’m quite glad that my partner isn’t too badly affected by my OCD however being with someone who doesn’t have OCD can be extremely difficult for me;
I have to do things a certain way and in routine. Certain days for certain things. If I’m unable to do things I get extremely stressed or if I’m really unwell the littlest of mess will aggravate me and I get really moody and stressy!! I find it infuriating with myself that because things have to be done a certain way that when my partner does help me that if it isn’t done my way then I have to feel the need to correct him and re do it. I get annoyed at myself.
Sometimes I have had panic attacks because my anxiety kicks in from the OCD and the days I feel like I’ve failed to do even the simplest of tasks. Many days I get so caught up in cleaning that I make myself unwell for days because I try to get as much done as I can to the point where I’m crawling and crippled by pain- baring in mind that even doing a load of washing and then taking it out or hanging it up causes me extreme pain.
I always make sure to de weed the garden when it needs done and I do my best to make my garden pretty so if I need air from being sick or feeling sick that is relaxing and helps me calm down. But again my OCD makes me seriously ill and unable to cope with the pain I have most days that even finding a cigarette tab in my garden sends me into a fluster. At the moment I am constantly finding them littered in my garden and I spent 30 minutes just picking them all up a few days ago resulting in me not being able to cope with the pain and I’ve lost sleep. Over the past few days I’ve had around 11 hours of sleep possibly even less, meaning each day is a real struggle with pain being intensified by fatigue which then brings on sickness.
When I do have panic/anxiety attacks triggered by OCD or not I have extreme insomnia that can last for days sometimes weeks. So it is a vicious circle if it isn’t a good spell of OCD. I think that, really, the best thing is knowing other people who have OCD. So many of us mostly suffer from the mental health condition but I also believe that it brings great joy to people’s lives too. It’s a love hate condition and I found that accepting it and dealing with it each day was a much better option for me rather than continuing antidepressants. Due to suffering from anxiety and depression over the years, I have been on many and the only time I have benefited from them was when I was in a bad depression which led me to self harm. I’ve been free of that dark place for just little over a year now too which I think OCD has helped me out of on top of the treatment.
If I could sum up OCD I would say it’s taking the good from a bad situation and taking the bad from a good situation- there are always going to be pro’s and con’s. You can’t always garuntee it to be a good day but you can try to deal with as best as you can.