Grief is an unimaginably painful thing to go through and live with on a daily basis. It’s a pain you can’t describe in great detail apart from a piece of your heart is just gone, dark like an empty room with no lights on.. when nobody is home.
Like many, grief has happened in my life and still to this day I struggle with that. I also struggle to accept change in cases where people change or a place I once went to is knocked down; that sort of thing. When my life changed due to being unwell and having surgeries it was hard. Yet somehow as surgery and illness is part of my daily existance, I have managed to accept that but I still find myself asking the question of “why?”.
When my granda passed almost 12 years ago that crashed my world and has brought so much change to my life and family as I once knew it. I remember his prickly mustache as I kissed him goodnight before I went to bed when I was staying over at my Grama and Grandas and how it itched. I remember him and grama watching casualty or the ice cream floats he made us with moray cup whilst watching The Lion King. Or the hot chocolates with cream on top and getting it half way accross my face. The hot summers where we would make dens in the garden with blankets or playing in the paddling pool whilst he worked away in the shed. My granda adored fish and I remember watching the beautiful Tetra’s swimming around in his fishtank and now having my own fish tank and fish it reminds me of him and on a day I really struggle, I sit and watch them.
The truth is we all suffer from grief. It’s always in the back of your mind. In times where I was on my death bed dying, I wished my granda was there to hold my hand or comfort me. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief, it’s such a personal thing that what works for you and helps you cope may be different for someone else. Some people like to visit graves and pay their respects with a bunch of flowers or candles. Others just cannot bare to look at a persons grave. This is OK!
Many people who become ill grieve for the life they once knew of and had. The huge change in working full time and being out of the house and doing things whenever they had the time, to then being ill full time and trying to get through the day with pain, sickness and fatigue can be mentally just as challenging. I often dwell on the life I once had (when I was well) and it literally eats me up when I look back at old photos on how I used to look. There was no dark circles under my eyes, my face didn’t swell and I was pretty much care free. I partied with friends and enjoyed going out in cars or taking pictures of scenery. How can you explain the grief of loosing yourself? You just can’t.
At some point we have to realise that living life whilst always looking back won’t take us forward. Letting go of grief is extremely difficult. I’m lucky that the people around me have accepted that I will never be able to let go of loosing my granda. I still cry about it and I am lucky enough to have dreams where he is there like nothing ever changed but this does come with over whelming grief when I wake up and it takes me a few days to get myself together.
Do things that would make your lost loved one proud and something you too can be proud of. No matter how small it is. Be ambitious and strive for great things. Thanks to my granda for always believing I would do great things, I found love and passion in writing and doing my blog. Doing blog pieces for other companies and raising awareness is so joyful I couldn’t explain how it makes me feel, even if I tried!
It is hard living life without that person you loved or respected. Honestly all I can say is that when you are surrounded with people who accept your grief and do not question it, it makes it easier to cope with and continue each day. My most important advice to you is if you are grieving – don’t hold it in and don’t bottle it up. Talk to someone about it, be it a doctor, councillor or friends and family. I only talk to my partner about it and for the first time I am writing about it to help others who are going through this pain.
Just know that every little step forward that you take is a big and powerful thing. In doing so, you are doing so well in trying to cope and continue with the daily chores of life.♡
alannahjaynesblog.com 
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