Brenda and myself wanted to a blog about the funny things of being chronically ill, to make others laugh. You never know when someone may be feeling a little down and need a good laugh!
In various chronic illness groups via Facebook, I asked people if they would like to share their funny moments with me. Enjoy!
Shannon: ” I was in the A and E once and the nurse came in and asked what the problem was. I said “I’m pretty sure I’m dehydrated. I have a rare autoimmune disease called Behcet’s are you familiar with it?” She looked at me like I’m stupid and says THE SHITS? Yeah it’s not that rare.. I looked down and said no BEHCET’S but my husband was in the corner cracking up and trying not to let the nurse see. She eventually said to us when we got our survey at home about our experience to say her name was phoebe bushé and not her actual Name. She was mortified we would tell in the evaluation about her and THE Shits Tale.”
Nick: ” I feel sorry for the poor sods who have go on nights out and have to crap on toilets that has no lock on the door. All while i’m still boogying and having a cheeky crap in my bag!”
Claire: “My funniest is when I sat down for a breather on the edge of a freezer in Tesco… of course I fell in didn’t I and couldn’t get back out again. Spent a good 20 mins sitting in the frozen sausages!”
Perry: “After my operation when I could finally stand up and I needed to go toilet, I stood up and went for a wee in the sample bottle. The curtains around my bed were shut but as I finished, I pulled my bottoms up I turned around and realised my windows blinds were up and everyone in the cafe could see my bum cheeks through the window..”
Tina: “When I was teaching and the time came for a stick, so I invested in one that had fairies on as the children used to call me mrs fairy instead of Ferrie. Even had one child ask if the reason i worked in school was to see which children had lost teeth! They also asked if I got tired collecting the teeth and took me a while to click they thought I was the tooth fairy.”
Josh: “I was getting a scrotum ultrasound with a male ultrasound technician as Behcets can cause pain there for males. Anyway we were having small talk about where I was from and talking about how I had moved back to town from a place that has a bad name for crime. I said I’d never had a problem in the 2 years I was there but that I had read in the newspaper that a man was killed for money in front of the pawn shop just 2 weeks after I had left, the same pawn shop that I used to visit all the time a few times a week. The ultrasound technician was just about finished scanning my sack with the ultrasound and he said “the guy must’ve been wanting money for porno’s” but I didn’t quite hear him so I just said “mmm.” He was finished and I left. I then realised later what he had said and I felt so stupid this guy had his hands near my man parts scanning me with the ultrasound machine the whole time thinking I was talking about a adult shop “porn shop” but in reality I was talking about a pawn shop “second hand trader!”
Val: ” I took my mum along to a seminar (she had a colostomy called Arthur) well he blew off all through one of the speeches my mum, me and my husband (who by the way has an ileostomy) set off giggling and didn’t stop. My step dad did not see the funny side and at the end a lady came up to us and said I knew that was you Sheila, as they was in hospital together.”
Shirley: “When I was out shopping one day I had nerve spasms, so I decided to look in a shop window and do breathing exercises til they passed. Someone inside was waving at me and I waved back! I didn’t recognise the person but when the spasms eased, I looked again and realised I’d been waving at a MANNEQUIN!!!”
Em: ” I was meant to be collecting a sample for the Doctor. I felt an urgent need to go and nipped to the loo. Thought “ooh this will be a good one, I’ll just grab that bowl” (located about 2m from toilet). In the time it took to travel across the bathroom for the sample bowl, I couldn’t hold it and pooped everywhere. I definitely saw the funny side but this really is toilet humour!”
Jennifer: ” My 2nd symptom was going blind in the left eye for a few weeks. I got sent to ophthalmology and they said “cover your left eye and read the board on the wall” so I obliged. Then they said “now cover your right eye and read the board on the wall”, I said “what board?” then the ophthalmologist said ‘”the one there on the wall. I said “yeah, what board?” Again they said “the one on the wall, starts with E at the top!”which went on for another couple of minutes before they realised that I couldn’t see anything out of that eye, even though I told them that to start with!”
John: ” I went for a job interview and thought it was best to tell them I had MS. They said “that’s good, being well versed in Microsoft programs is just what we need!”
Ceri: “My very first relapse, before diagnosis, I had double vision so the eye specialist gave me an eyepatch. After the hospital visit my sister took me to the coffee shop and all I could hear was a little boy telling his mum.. “mum” mum there’s a pirate over there, over there Mum” The poor mum was so apologetic but all we could do was just laugh.”
Kevin: “I was at a routine hospital appointment and went to pharmacy. They said “do you pay for your prescriptions mr Childs?” I mumbled something about permanent colostomy and that I have medical exemption certificate. I then patted my abdomen to indicate where bag was. I sit down and 10 minutes later called back up. “Thank you mr Childs my colleague says you don’t pay for prescriptions because you’re pregnant..”
Jo: ” I’ve always been quite a good mimic and so when I had a huge facial weakness a good few years back, with my short hair and glasses, for nearly two months I was a very popular Anne Robinson (from the TV show You Are The Weakest Link) ‘look alike’!”
Victoria: “When my muscles spasm they can be rather violent. So one night I was sat watching telly and hubby gives me a Magnum ice cream, cue a violent spasm and my ice cream goes flying across the room and the bloody dogs think it’s Christmas!”
Helen: “My GP was explaining my CT scan results and that I had a fistula from my bowel to my bladder. So not funny, but she said “Basically Helen, you are farting into your bladder.” For some reason, that set us both off and we giggled through the rest of the appointment!”
Megan: “So my dog willow had an itchy annoying butt so we got an appointment at the vets. The vet told me it was probably her glands that needed emptying and that he would do it just now. So there he is sticking his fingers up my doggies butt when i awkwardly say “oh me willow its normally me we fingers up my bum!”The sudden realisation that this guy has no idea I have bowel disease and thinks Im a dirty mare who needs locked up. I didn’t know where to look. I was just trying to lighten the mood and make my dog feel better!”
Stephanie: “There is nothing more satisfying than having a poo in marks and Spencers food hall…. It’s not just a poo but a marks and Spencers poo!”
Colleen: ” I have a LOT of difficulty sleeping. SO, there’s no telling when I will have a sleep ATTACK! So, one Sunday morning I went to Church, sitting next to my husband and fell asleep HARD! My neck fell back, and a GIANT SNORE came shooting out of my nose. If you picture that, you can imagine the sound. It was LOUD and although I was with Church folk, I did feel a bit judged, so I tried to keep from laughing as I slithered out of the door!!!”
Libby: “I took my daughter to the ER because she had a bad migraine from Behcets and the doctor came in to check her. She said ” I have Behcets” and he said “oh I know what that is…you get lesions on your penis!” haha shes female..”
Callum: “Every time it farts it feels like someone is blowing raspberries on my stomach!”
Joseph: “I once was at the casino playing poker, and the person next to me thought it was my way of wishing good luck on my cards by shaking the cards a little. It’s actually bc I have a bad tremor in my left arm right now.”
John W: “When I first told my now partner I had a colostomy bag she sed so u are a real living shit bag!I found it funny don’t know if others will but 7 years on we are still together.”
Robin: “I was at my 1st appointment at an MS Clinic and in the midst of my first really bad flare-up. All the nurses were incredibly nice and I had asked them what their favorite treats are (so I could bring them something at my next appt). I got no answer at the time of my question…but about an hour later, as we were preparing to leave the office and head to the infusion clinic – one nurse says “jolly ranchers”…I thought to myself – You can have any treat you want and it’s Jolly Ranchers, weird – but okay- looked at her with a smile and said, “Awesome, I’ll bring you a huge bag of them tomorrow ” she laughed and says, “NO, bring Jolly Ranchers to your IV steroid infusion, they are the only candy that will get the metallic taste out of your mouth!”
Helen M: ” My recently installed bag is called Louie, I’ve never been able to afford an original Louis Vuitton bag but he is my sure my own original!”
Jessica: “I still laugh about my enema being put in the wrong hole by the student nurse. I had to tell her it was the wrong hole before she squirted it.. She was very embarrassed. Then afterwards, she was like do you want privacy … yes but instead she was in asking bloody questions and doing obs!”
Anonymous: “There is this funny thing that always makes me laugh! I have dual mental health diagnosis and other crap like chronic IBS. I get very very down in this life. One of my fond memories is when I was living with my now passed away Grandmother, she had slight bowel issues also. Each step she took up the stairs to the loo, she farted! She was all like “Ooooh these stairs are creaky today!” It’s even more amusing as she was all prim & proper!!!”
Nuala: “When i was very ill and hospital told my family I have to have colostomy our young James said to his mum “she said it’s bag and you can’t poo only in a bag” he thought about it and said “oh will she have to have big hood like max?” who is the dog so he couldn’t bite his bum after his operation! I thought that’s great made me laugh!”
Brenda: “My first funny story happened in 2015 after surgery for an abscess on my surgical scar. I was fitted with a vacuum dressing and pump then discharged. I got home and settled for a bit then at bedtime went to the loo to discover that the nurse who discharged me had put the vacuum dressing completely over my bag which had leaked output and blood. I couldn’t deal with the bag because it was trapped under the dressing which I couldn’t do myself. After a few calls an ambulance was sent and a paramedic was dealing with me in our tiny toilet. Now when I change or empty my bag I pull my top right up and fold it up. Paramedic stands me up to take me to the ambulance and asks if I feel comfortable. Totally forgetting I’m in my pjs with no bra up goes my top and that poor bloke got an unexpected eyeful particularly as my boobies have gone a bit south. All the way back to the hospital I kept avoiding his eyes!”
“My second funny story was when the hospital the nurse took me into the patient toilet to sort the bag out and as I sat on the loo she crouched and balanced in front of me till she lost her balance and fell forward on to me. I fell back onto the flush sensor and had what I can only call an unexpected bidet. We both laughed so much it happened again and decided I’d better stand up!”
“My third one is from a couple of months later. My daughter was taking me to Birmingham on the train for the gybo first party. The train pulled up, doors opened and I got one leg on but didn’t have the strength to get the other leg on. Two lads who were on the train came forward and grabbed a hand each and started pulling me on and my daughter put her shoulder under my bum whilst explaining to the people in the queue behind me that I’d been poorly. We did have a good laugh about that one I won’t mention going to Earl’s Court to see George Michael with my daughter when I was newly diagnosed. Seats up about as high as you can go and three guesses who was just coming back from the toilet as the lights went down and George walked on the stage. I think I spoiled the moment for the people in our row who had to stand up and let me through.”
Justin E: “Best I have done is I was putting stock away in shop and just fell asleep on floor with packets of nut and bolts and I was found by a customer who woke me up as he thought I had fallen and knocked myself out!”
Nan: ” i sat on the loo for ages couldn’t feel the wee but could hear it. I sat thinking god that’s a long wee till i realized i wasn’t weeing at all and it was the cistern filling up!”
Hope you have enjoyed these funny stories as much as I have! I have had tears in my eyes reading them with laughter! Thank you so much to all who took part and to Brenda for the idea and inspiration of this blog!
-Alannah
alannahjaynesblog.com 
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