Chronic Illness Blogs, Life With A Stoma, Mental Health Blogs, Personal Blogs

A Letter To My Son

Once you have a son, life is never the same and you find it hard to imagine what your life was like before he made his appearance into this world.  It is the most wonderful feeling to be a mum! I wanted to write a letter to my son so when he is older, he can read this. Many other mums may also be able to relate to my pregnancy and fertility journey!

I carried you through the hardest months I’ve had in my life so far. Pregnancy was hard and with chronic illness, a stoma, PGP, and mental illness added into the mix, it was quite the mocktail without the cherry on top! As you began to grow in my tummy, I felt butterflies rumbling as you moved in your sleep, when I played music, and when I lay in the bath (I knew from that first wriggle in the bath and every time I was in there, that you were going to be a water baby!) If I hadn’t of announced I was pregnant with you, everyone would have been none the wiser, due to having such a small bump, which didn’t appear until you were around 26 weeks old and boy, didn’t I know about it when I did! I felt every kick and hiccup which was super painful but rewarding at the same most precious time. Your favourite place to kick was under my ribs and my bum! It’s a sensation I can never really explain to anyone when they have asked how it feels, all I can say is it’s super sore and weird but also funny at the same time.

I remember the very first outfit I ever got you, it was just after my gender scan and I had found out we were having a little boy. Now the gender scan did not go to plan at all! When I think back, I laugh! I had taken a Chinese gender scan online and, with the symptoms I had whilst pregnant with you, it appeared to me, that I was having a girl! When the person doing my scan said I was having a boy, I was so emotional and I cried. Half of those tears were due to hormones and the other half was down to being so annoyed at myself for thinking you were a girl and also due to grief. You see, before I was pregnant with you, I had a previous pregnancy but she had to leave too soon with the doctors help as I was too poorly. It would have been her 3rd birthday this year and she is never forgotten even though she was so little ( I say she because [some may not believe in this] I saw a pshyic medium who seen her with your great, great granny). Now, your outfit was this gorgeous blue and white winnie the pooh shorts romper, you’ll see this picture below.

SO cute!! At just 5 months, you have the greatest lanky legs like a dandy long legs! Which you love to kick around and swing left, right and centre whilst wriggling and rolling in mid nappy/clothes changes, cheeky! You might notice when you’re older, a little cut on your hair line. This is because I had to have my tummy cut open to give birth to you, ouch! I’ve had lots of many different surgeries and by the time we read this and you’re old enough to understand, I know I will have had lots more! Never worry, I’m always looked after by very nice doctors and nurses and I had many surgeries before I had you so I’ve learnt a thing or two on how to be a tough cookie! Same as for your daddy, which is how we met, and is a story for another time.

Being your mummy is hard some days because when I am sore, I become very tired and some things that wouldn’t really bother me most days, bothers me and I get grumpy. Like not being able to take you out for walks in your pram or having the house clean and tidy. Every time you laugh on those hard days or when you smile or say “dada” it helps me feel better and it makes them so worth it! When I see you splashing in the bath and having so much fun soaking my face, all I can do is laugh. When I hurt and feel pain, your cuddles are the best medicine I could ever need. You are six months old and growing so quickly, slow down! I haven’t had enough of my little baby just yet, and maybe you will always be my baby boy. When you are old enough to understand, I can explain in more detail just how much of a special little rainbow baby you are.

A little miracle. A blessing. Pure joy.

Your big brother Biggie knew when I was pregnant with you before we had announced it to all our family and friends, and has loved you from the minute he knew. He loved to lay his head on my belly and listen to you inside! When I brought you home, he slept by you in your moses basket and bouncer chair and still now, loves to be by your side. You have just started to see him as a dog with fur and his big flappy ears! You explore his face and body with your tiny little hands and fingers, feeling his soft smooth and jabby fur as he naps next to you before you too drift off into a nap. You are trying to say “dog” too! What a clever little man you are. As you grow older, Biggie will too, and he will always be your bestest friend and remember that Biggie is part of the family, more than just a dog!

Sometimes, I may need to be away from home when I don’t feel well but always know, I’ll be coming back home to you and when I do, I will always be ready for your kisses and cuddles. When I am away, I go to a place called the hospital where I get looked after and helped to feel better so you mustn’t worry. Daddy and Biggie will be there with big cuddles and Biggie more than likely will make you laugh with his loud and stinky farts!! Sometimes daddy may need to go to hospital to feel better, too,but he is much more braver than I and we never need to worry. You will also become aware that both Daddy and I poop and fart differently with our pink squishy buttons on our tummies! My squishy is called Lola and she saved my life and she can be very funny! You will learn all about her from your Buttony Bear book i read to you through the years and your buttony bear!

Know this icke baby, that whatever we go through in life, know we have eachother. We got this. Strength grows with love and our family is full!

Personal Blogs

Motherhood

Odin and I at the aquarium!

Motherhood is such a mix of emotions. Mostly full of joy, pride, and love. Each day is different, some you find that you are on top of everything i.e the housework, you’ve showered and you have maybe went for a walk and some days the house is a total mess, you haven’t showered but your baby is smiling, clean and fed.

Being a chronically ill mum, it adds a whole lot more into the mix! You ache, some days you can’t eat, you’re so exhausted from looking after a little human and the chronic fatigue. On the good days, however, you make the most of your day! Which is exactly what I did in the picture above. You begin to find your own routine, too, which helps you make a plan in your mind when you can take your medication and shower, which are the main important things for me. Self care is so important (I know, I ALWAYS say this, but it’s true!), and you need to remember to take time for yourself too, it helps keep you sane, relaxed and can benefit your mental health. I also try to get out for walks with Odin and our dog Biggie, when it isn’t too cold. On the days where I’m either too tired or sore to do much or Odin’s having a bad day, I may find myself being pooped on, spewed on, haven’t been able to shower and the house is a mess! It’s totally OK to have days like those.

The main downside I’ve found, from a combination of chronic illnesses and being a mum, is that you soon realise who is REALLY your friend. It’s a harsh, quick sadness that you may find yourself in more times than once. I’ve had friends turn out to be huge jerks after years of friendship, out of nowhere, or I simply didn’t see the signs. I’ve dealt with friends simply blocking me for standing up for myself, another was truly awful to me because I was hoping to have a girl in my pregnancy and others just simply not think of me and dont invite me to anything. You also realise what family truly cares about you, too. I’ve had many not bother to message and ask how Odin is or myself, some so excited for me to have a baby and meet Odin and i gave up asking them when they wete free with excuses and some didn’t even congradulate me when i announced my pregnancy. However, there is also the beautiful side of life, where you make new friends and choose your family! I’ve made such amazing friends with other chronically ill mums, have been blessed with still having friends from school around and the family I have now, are so supportive and loving that I consider Odin, Jaimie and I super fortunate. I like to count one blessing or good thing in each day, which helps me cope so much! For example, yesterday, we got out for a walk and spent time with family. The day before, I had a long soak in the bath and really enjoyed some me time.

In tough times, count your blessings and love the people who love you! The rest who don’t think about you don’t let yourself think about them.❤